Sometimes I get quiet.

I imagine there are some who would respond in a sarcastic tone, “Sometimes?”

There may even be a few folks I’ve met who think I’m mute.

Seriously though, one thing I’ve learned is the more comfortable I am, the more sociable I appear (with a few exceptions) and the more I talk.  At great lengths.  About entirely too many topics.

But, like I said, sometimes I get quiet.  And I’m not always sure why.

Sometimes it’s because I’m angry.  Like many folks, when I get mad I tend to turn inwards.  When I was younger, that was normally due to fear.  Now that I’m older, it’s more of a conscious choice based on wisdom and experience because those times I attempted to express myself while awash in emotion, I’d generally make the situation worse.  So these days I acknowledge when my mind isn’t working in a rational space, and shut it down until it is.

There are also those times when my mind is over-stimulated.  This is why I don’t like large crowds or, even worse, large crowds in unfamiliar places.  Beyond simply being uncomfortable, I seem unable to concentrate with all those people talking, all the smells wafting and all the items in my periphery.  No matter how hard I try to focus on one thing or conversation at a time, my mind wanders to the couple in front of us talking about the Badger game, the smell of french fries or that really cool watch someone is wearing.  Often it’s a big blur of everything, leaving me incapable of hearing, seeing or smelling anything distinct.

So again, my mind just shuts down or, rather, I attempt to go to “a quiet place” in my mind.  I imagine I look like a coma patient staring off into nowhere.  Present, but unaccounted for.  What am I thinking?  My favourite pastime is to count in binary (I can usually get to 131,070 before I have to concentrate).  I may also find constellations in the sky, imagine how someone built that chair, figure how I’m going to use my new gadget or imagine ways to use the technology in my house to make my life more comfortable.

There are also those times when my mind is just “full”.  I’ll slowly build up opinions, theories or concepts to a point where they flutter in and out of my mind like a butterfly on crack.

That is where my writing has been of great help, and I suspect my neglect of this blog has driven me to my recent personal quiescence.  With the election, technological advances (oh Nexus 10, you will be mine) and scientific discoveries, I’ve had a plethora of ideas and thoughts as of late.  While I’ve had the urge to write them down, I haven’t followed through.  Sure, I’ve done other things like convert my early 2010 MacBook Pro to FusionDrive, started watching “Fringe” and wrote new code for work, that hasn’t been enough.

Part of my block very well may be my increasing frustration and resulting resignation that my professional life is total shit (though my personal life has been the complete opposite).  I’ve just gotten too used to giving up.

So as difficult as it can be, I need to give up giving up and do what the two words WordPress wisely puts on-screen when I stop typing for a while.

Just write.

The previous year of my live has been transformative in many respects, not the least of which would be the sharing the most intimate details of my life and love with one of the greatest women I’ve ever met, The Marvelous Miss M (also known as “My Wonder Twin“).  Today is officially our one year anniversary as a couple.

This was a pairing that almost didn’t happen.  After the abysmal end/let-down of my previous relationship, I was incredibly wary of traveling down that road again.  This was especially true due to my abject loneliness and irrational longing for a love I wanted so desperately.  One of many “life’s truths” I’ve learned over the years (a grand example being that aforementioned relationship), and have mentioned within this blog on many occasions, the power of self-delusion is fantastically strong.

Thankfully another truth I’ve also learned is to follow my gut since my head is better at getting in the way than it is with solving many of life’s challenges.  I say “thankfully” because my relationship with M has been rewarding, challenging and fulfilling.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more nor dreamed of anything better.

Once I overcame my trepidation, my incredibly poor physical health during the first few months of our relationship provided another potential stone that could have derailed our relationship.  While frequent vomiting and near constant pain is anything but romantic, it provided a solid foundation as we both received a firsthand, no-holds-barred, 100% real view of each other’s strengths and weaknesses.  You’ll learn a lot about a person when they are in mind-scrambling pain or are caring about/for that individual.

So here it is a year later, having survived that challenge (as well as others), we’re on vacation (a rare occurrence for me) in Door County, she over there reading the Kindle I got her for Christmas last year, me sitting nearby surreptitiously typing this post, having only the sketchiest of ideas of what I will write next (even though I’ve been writing it in my head for weeks).

What more can I say other than I love M in a way I’ve never loved someone.  The reasons are many and varied, but the foremost reason is that I fee feel free with her.  I’ve mentioned in the past that my dream love would be someone who understands and, more importantly, accepts all of me.  While for a long time I felt that was an impossible dream, I’m now living it.

I told her my deepest, darkest secret, and she didn’t run.  On the contrary, she’s provided insight that’s helped me to deal with it better than I ever thought possible.  Then she shared her own, and I returned the favor.  That’s not accurate for either of us, however.  There was no “favor” to return as it’s just who we are.

She loves all of me and even though there are things she doesn’t particularly like, she accepts everything about me.  Never in my life have I been with someone who made me feel so free.  I can be myself without fear of judgement, and that’s not just an idea in my head.  It’s real life and something I stand in frequent amazement of.  She knows my heart, so on those occasions when I fuck up, I know she’ll still be there.

She’s smart, well-read, rational, reasonable and honest.  She tackles problems head-on, considering as many angles as possible, then choosing the most appropriate course of action for the scenario.  I know when I present her a quandary, she’ll respond with a well thought-out, well researched answer.  She’s my “sista from another mista” in that regard.

While she will make the occasional assumption about me, oddly enough it has yet to bother me.  I’ve thought on that frequently and realized of the reasons is because she’s often right.  Yes, she does know me that well.  Most importantly however, is that she never approaches such assumptions with the certainty she’s right.  On the contrary, she’s always and immediately accepted it when I told her she was going down the wrong path.  I cannot express how refreshing that is!

Time and time again she’s overcome circumstances that have seemed insurmountable, all the while gaining strength and wisdom while dealing with them.  I admire how she’s approached (and continues to approach) the challenges life has to offer, and just keeps swimming.

I told her once that she makes me want to be a better man, but that wasn’t completely accurate.  With her, I am a better man.  She knows how to motivate without meddling, encourage without pandering and love without strings.  I’ve observed this at work, when interacting with her children and with me.  It’s a talent that’s priceless and one I admire with deep appreciation.

Why do I love her?

Shit, why wouldn’t I?

So as we wrap up our first year, I look forward to the upcoming years with a full heart that finally feels completely loved and fully appreciated.  We make a great team.  We are the wonder twins, fully activated and ready to take on the world.

It’s now been two years since you left us and I’m sitting here drinking a Guinness, thinking of you, remembering when we first met.  That night at the Great Dane, drinking our favourite Black Earth Porter, just talking, talking, talking.  That was a night I’ll treasure forever.  That was the day I met my “sistah from another mistah”, as you once told me.

So much has happened over the past year.  The physical issues I wrote about last year got worse and worse.  By the time it was all said-and-done, I made 20 visits to the ER, racking up $1200 in co-pay charges (more on that later), each preceded by physical pain I have not felt before nor after.  It was almost more than I could bear, especially those times I ended up spending days in the hospital while the doctors tried to figure out what the hell was going on.  So many tests with zero result.

Eventually, having reached my patience limit on this whole ER thing, I begged my doctor for anything he could do to keep me from going back.  Contrary to what I was told way back when I first started going, there was a version of Dilaudid (the only drug that would make the pain go away) he could prescribe for me.  It was a suppository, but by that point I was well beyond any “oogie” feelings about shoving stuff up my ass.  Whatever it took, I was all for.

I thought of you during that time.  It became clear this was a drug that was nothing to fool with.  The hoops I had to jump through were much different than the other prescriptions I had dealt with before, and even then it was only for THREE suppositories!  Remembering your (eventually lost) battle with pain killers, I was especially cautious about only using it when absolutely necessary.

Sure enough, it worked!  Oh, part of the reason I was going back to see him was my own personal attempt to figure out the whole pain thing, which was to get the anti-depressant out of my life.  I wasn’t sure if it would help, but it didn’t seem to be doing much for my state-of-mind, so what did I have to lose?  We worked out a schedule.  I’m not saying this path solved my issue, but by the time I was off the drug, the episodes became more and more infrequent, eventually evaporating completely.  So after nearly a year of walking through the ER’s revolving door, I was finally able to manage the pain on my own.  Eventually, as I mentioned, the episodes stopped entirely.

At some point in the middle of that chaos, a certain someone became a frequent fixture in my life.  If memory serves, M was someone you had at one point suggested I pursue due to our similarities.  Turns out you were right, though I fought it at first.  She didn’t run away when my health was failing and, most importantly, she didn’t run away when I shared my secret.  She’s, without question, one of the most understanding people I’ve ever met, at least when it came to the topic of me.  She understood me and my particular brand of chaos and insanity.  Just like you, but she has her shit together so much better than either of us, at least to a level that has kept us together.  We’ve been a couple now for almost a year, and there is no end in sight.

I must say this is a relationship unlike any other, for both of us.  For me, there’s a subtleness that’s been a welcome relief.  She simply knows how to “deal” with me, and vice-versa.  I’ve never felt so motivated and so supported without an ounce of pressure.  Regardless of my positives or negatives, she just lets me be me.  Because of that, I’ve accomplished so much over the past year.  The major bonus about this is that while she gets (big) credit for helping, I retain a measure of ownership for my own accomplishments. LIke I said, this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in any relationship in my history.

One of those accomplishments is that I’m finally a licensed driver!  It turns out that I’m a pretty good one at that, which still surprises me at times.  I’ll be driving down the beltline and suddenly realize, I’m driving!  After 42 years of being a “professional pedestrian”, the idea of me driving remains somewhat unbelievable.  Once I get my finances in order, I may actually get my own car, which I hope will be a VW bug.  I don’t care what model or shape, I just want a bug.  Though I do have some specifics, like it must be a turbo deisel and, if at all possible, near-zero emission.

Speaking of finances, 2011 took a serious toll on those and my credit score took a huge nose-dive.  Partly due to being primarily focused on resolving my health issues, but partially also due to the fact that I just didn’t care to make it a factor in my life.  I found it surprising how long you can let your finances go with little affect on your day-to-day life.  Banks will gladly pay your bills if you don’t have the money, probably because they’ll happily add those overdraft charges.  Credit card companies will let you go months without paying, likely for the same reasons.  Even UW spent months trying to get in contact with me, only recently sending my non-paid $1200 ER bills to a collections agency.  We’re talking about almost a year here!!!  In any event, my solution until recently was what I term the “Ostrich Method”.  I just ignored it all.

Recently I finally got tired of that method and decided to take action.  With, once again big help from M, we sat down and worked out a plan and now I’m well on the road to taking care of my finances.  It’s cost me $ and cost me many points on my credit score, but that’s all just money.  The major bonus for me has been the peace-of-mind that comes with finally taking ownership of my responsibilities and fixing the problem.  You know how much I like fixing problems.

So anyway, mom had a heart-attack a few months back, but she’s recovered well.  Things were really though for her, but, like me, she’s starting to get things back on track.  She’s gotten out of a pretty ugly situation with her job, finding a new one closer to Madison.  Within the next month she’ll be moving in with me in order to focusing on the new job and finding a place she can afford.  It’s so nice to see the both of us getting on better, happier paths.

Tomorrow M and I will be re-painting the rooms upstairs where I’ll be staying.  I picked earth-based, bright colours and look forward to the change.  Heck, the house even looks so much better than in 2011.  You can almost see the change in my own thinking by the changes where I live.  I hope to never again get to the point where I have to wipe off my feet before going to bed at night.

There’s still plenty of challenges ahead, for sure.  That’s the way of life.  I really wish you were still here as I think you’d be very proud of me.  I told a friend recently that the world lost a wonderful soul when you died, and I believe that down to the core of my being.  While the pain of losing you has diminished over time, I don’t think there will ever be a time it will completely dissipate.  You had so much to offer the world at large, were you only able to manage your demons.  Regardless, I will keep your memory alive because you had a soul that deserves it.

Until next year.

Love,
Kitty