I’m not normally one to make New Year’s resolutions, though I do like to spend this time of the year to reflect on the past, present and future.

First, the past. Last year I did set some goals, so let’s see what became of those:

• E-detachment: Who? Seriously though, I do peek in from time to time out of idle curiosity (as I also do with EPL).  Not much to say on this front other than I remain sad, in a detached “long-ago memory” way.  The anger I once felt is now simply disappointment, and only when I choose to reflect back, which is pretty rare these days.  I just hope G is doing well no matter what the situation is over there.  That kid had some serious potential.
• Getting out of my head: Progress has been made, but I really haven’t been writing as much as I had intended.  Regardless of writing, having a partner I feel completely free to express myself to has been a great help here!
• Playing violin: Big, fat FAIL on that one.  I stuck with it for a couple of months, enough to get up to bowing, but she’s been relegated back to collecting dust in the basement.  I still feel the tug from time-to-time however, so we shall see.
• Putting the house back in order: Big, fat WIN on this one, though I can’t take complete ‘self-motivated’ credit for that.  With mom moving in, it was mostly an externally motivated move.  Still, the end result remains the same.  I tossed a ton of stuff away, cleaned up every room and re-painted the upstairs bedrooms.  There’s still work to be done, but it’s come a long, long way from where it was.
• Get my finances in order: I wrapped-up my final 2011 debt just last week and I’m well on my way to clearing out the credit card debt.  It’s quite a relief to not have that ominous cloud frequently hovering over my head!
• Get my driver’s license: Bingo!  I attacked this one with unrestrained abandon, receiving my license this past summer.  I didn’t stop there either, having taken the wheel at every opportunity in order to ensure I get maximum experience.  This includes many hours behind the wheel driving to Michigan and Green Bay.
• Get a new job: FAIL!  Still at the old job, still feel like a dinosaur, still feel unappreciated and still watching talented people walk out the front door like rats abandoning a sinking ship.  Public service is NOT the place to be working in Wisconsin right now, especially not in my department.  This has to be the only dark cloud following me around these days.
• Get healthy: Like I said, this was a bit of a “cheater goal” as I was well on my way there.  I haven’t had a single recurrence of GI issues this year, and am confident that’s well behind me.  BTW: I still smoke, but am down to 4 packs a week, so I guess this is really a partial fail.
• Working on me: Sometimes I have, sometimes I haven’t, but I can say with full confidence forward progress has been made.  Taking on these goals has helped a great deal.  Oh, and having a perfectly matched partner didn’t hurt, either.  Speaking of which……
• Not screwing up things with the girlfriend: Yeah, we both had a good chuckle over this one the other day when she mentioned that blog post.  We’re still together, stronger than ever with no end in sight.  She’s been my muse, with I as her rock and that’s just one of the plethora of things that “just work” between us.

What can I say about the present?  I mentioned to M recently that I’m still in a state of shock at how good my life is now.  I’m healthy, happy (other than the job situation) and content with the path my life is on.  Even from a gadget perspective, Mr. Gadgetman finds himself not pining for any more gadgets (well, four 2TB drives for my NAS would be nice, but there’s no pressing need there).  My driving ability continues to evolve so I can say with confidence I’m remaining solidly within the “good driver” category.  Finances have turned a corner, allowing me finally make some decent progress out of the debt hole I’ve dug myself into.  Best of all I have a partner who I can depend on and turn to whenever things are good, bad or indifferent.  Life is good!

Future?  Here’s my shortlist of things I’ve got in sight now:

• Get a firmer grasp on my finances by developing a better plan for debt reduction.  The final nail in my financial crisis of last year is cashing in my smaller 401k to pay off the taxes that will be incurred from LAST year’s cash-in as well as paying off the property taxes so I won’t be bothered with them (I usually do the 2-payment option).  I’m still contemplating an escrow, though may just budget instead.  Once I take care of my taxes, then it’s on to developing a budget to get rid of the outstanding credit card debt as soon as possible.
• Get more winter driving experience. Snow arrived a bit late this year, so I haven’t had much opportunity to experience what it’s like to drive on slippery roads.  Since I’m a big fan of this climate, I have many years of snow ahead so it’s imperative that I know how to drive in it.
• Budget allowing, get a car.  I’m not particularly excited about adding car/insurance payments and vehicle maintenance, having my vehicle would expand my options for finding a new job.  My dream of owning a VW Beetle will be put on hold so I can focus more on obtaining a vehicle that fits within budget while still getting me around.
• Continue my education.  Truth be told, I’m not super motivated for this goal, but admit it might be fun and certainly couldn’t hurt (finances allowing).  Part of this would be to work with the Veteran’s Administration to see if I can get my OTO discharge upgraded so I can take advantage of my GI Bill.  We’ll see.
• Finish cleaning up the house.  I still few a couple of rooms that could use some clean-up and organizing.  There’s also at least one more load of crap that needs to be offloaded.
• Improve the relationship with my violin.  Yeah, I said that last year too.  I still have the urge on occasion and just can’t seem to wipe the desire from my mind.  Again, we’ll see.
• Continue having new and interesting adventures with M.  This is pretty-much a given, so a bit of a cheater goal.  Last year we tackled Galena, Green Bay, Michigan and Door County.  There’s already been basic research for a trip to Mackinac Island this summer.
• Write more!  Maybe this will be the year I actually stop whining about not writing enough.  I enjoy it and my biggest fans (mom & M) enjoy reading it, so I really have no reason not to do it.

So that’s about it.  Past, present and future.  All done before the new year rolls around!

Since I worked too many hours for the week and my charitable nature toward work has long come to an end, I had some extra free time Friday afternoon.  Due to this, and the fact I seem to have a knack for picking just the right gift, I was tasked with choosing a birthday present for M’s soon-to-be six-year-old grand-niece.  The party was Saturday.

I was initially enthusiastic to perform that task.  As the details of the horrifying act of that morning unfolded, what was once a simple task became anything but.

Like most people in the world, I enjoy bringing joy, happiness and smiles to those around me.  Having lived a difficult childhood, that’s especially true when applied to children.  In my mind, there’s few things more tragic than disrupting the innocence of a child.  It’s been my experience that once lost, innocence is nearly impossible to regain without a lot of work and support.

I tried to avoid the news sites throughout the day and was mostly, though not entirely, successful.  On at least two occasions one could find me at my desk with tears streaming down my face.  One of those occasions was later that afternoon when I read a quote from some children locked in a bathroom protected by Kaitlin Roig, their teacher: “I just want Christmas…I don’t want to die. I just want to have Christmas.”

Those words should never enter the thoughts of a child and have haunted me ever since I read them.  They relentlessly echoed through my mind as I stood in the toy isle of ShopKo, desperately attempting to maintain composure while scanning the shelves for just the right birthday gift.  After exchanging a few texts with M, I ultimately decided on something that would be both entertaining and somewhat educational for a six-year-old child.

There’s something magical about children.  Actually, it’s really just science.  We (well, most of us anyway) are hard-wired with an instinct to protect our young.  I say this because the horrifying events of that Friday morning was completely washed from memory while I was at the birthday party.  There were a pack of little rugrats running to-and-fro having a good time.  This was evident by their ear-piercing shrieks and boundless energy.

Though I was generally uncomfortable at that party (as is usual for me), I must admit I enjoyed myself.  In the old days, watching children would make me sad as I would reflect on what I missed-out on.  Nowadays that’s till true to an extent, however I take a more “glass half-full” approach, instead witnessing children being exactly what they should be – Innocent, ignorant and simply having a good time being alive in the moment.

The best part of the party was when we left.  Not because we were leaving, but because as we were leaving, the birthday girl ran up to me, gave me a great big hug (as children often do) and said, “Love you Z!”

And I got to reply with my favourite statement, which is one I haven’t made in years, “I love you too, kiddo!”

With the last name of “Zembrzuski”, most people reasonably conclude I have rich Polish ancestry.  The Zembrzuski name is very Polish and I’ve been told (by a Polish co-worker) it’s a relatively common surname in Poland.  Heck, that second “z” you see in my name is actually a “ż”, and you don’t get much more Polish than that!

Alas, that’s a wildly incorrect conclusion.  One I didn’t learn the truth about until just before I hit puberty.  Here’s that story:

It’s no secret I had a troubled childhood (and teenhood, and young adulthood).  Among a long list of naughty behaviors, I had this habit of digging through things that didn’t belong to me.  My findings were often mundane, sometimes shocking and occasionally perplexing.  The discovery of “The Letter”, my birth certificate and “The Photograph” were three of those perplexing discoveries.

I think I discovered “The Photograph” first.  It was simply an orange-tinged photo (as so many were back in the early 70′s) of a child that looked like me sitting on the couch next to this big man.  If memory serves, it was dated 1971, so I was around a year old.  I wasn’t certain it was me in the photo and had no idea who that guy was.

The other discovery was my birth certificate.  For the most part, it looked perfectly normal.  It had both my mom’s and my dad’s (the one mom divorced when I was around 4) names on it.  It had the right hospital, the correct city and my date & time of birth.  Strangely, however, it was dated nearly a year after I was born.

Then there was “The Letter”.  This was the most boggling of all, and the last one to be found.  It was simply a page-or-two typed letter that provided mundane details of what I liked the to eat, when I napped and the toys I liked to play with.  I believe it had a date that was before my first birthday.  My childhood mind pondered the mystery, concluded I was adopted, then shrugged my shoulders and moved on.

A few years later, as a pre-teen (“tweener” in today’s parlance), we moved to Hartland or Heartford, Wisconsin (I’m still not sure which).  It was yet another move to a city I’ve never been where I knew not a soul.  Our house was a beautiful, yet run-down A-frame deal, but it was a lonely existence   About once a week I’d make the mile or so trek to the local roller skating rink to pass the time or visit the store next to it for sharpening my shoplifting skills (I had a penchant for mechanical pencils and candy bars).

On occasion I’d go with my parents to various bars they liked to frequent, often one called “Max’s Place”.  I knew this bar well as I practically grew up there as it’s where both my mom & step-father worked various jobs (from tending bar to cooking to running the whole business).  Even I worked there as the dishwasher, for a time, making 20 bucks a night!  This particular summer, however, I think my parents were mostly patrons and I kept myself occupied by wandering the parking lot stealing shiny or electronic trinkets from cars.

My thieving days came to an end one night when the cranky old dude who lived in the apartment above Max’s saw me rifling through the parked cars and tattled on me.  I discovered this one night when they returned from the bar and asked if I had stolen a friend’s digital watch/necklace.  Since I was a better thief than a liar, and knew it, I said I did.  They told me to go get it and followed me into my room.

Sticking my arm deep between the mattress & box spring, I fumbled around for the necklace, but they were having none of that.  I don’t recall who it was, but one of them unceremoniously launched the mattress from the box spring revealing all my stolen trinkets.  Seeing the fury in their eyes and anticipating the beating of my life, my mind raced for a way to minimize the damage.  Eventually I remembered “The Letter” and used that as a shield.

“See?  I’m adopted, that’s why I’m so bad!”

Granted, bringing out the letter did save me from that beating, but what I learned next was one of those moments in life where the outcome wasn’t anything imagined.  It turns out that letter wasn’t from my real mother, it was from my foster-mother who took care of me while my mom tried to get her shit together and decide if she wanted to keep me.

Apparently I wasn’t adopted at all.

Apparently the person I thought was my father wasn’t really my father, which explained the birth certificate.

Apparently it was me in “The Photograph” and that guy sitting next to me was my real father.

Apparently he was married, but not to my mother.

Apparently I was a bastard.

You see, at the tender age of 19, mom got into a hot-and-heavy relationship with this guy and I was conceived in the parking lot of a monastery (I didn’t learn that last part until last year).

Keep in mind this was 1970 and being a bastard was a very shameful thing which caused plenty of strife and conflict with everyone involved.  As such, mom put me in foster care, got her life together, decided to keep me then took me back.  Shortly thereafter she married a guy her daddy approved of (Zembrzuski) who legally adopted me in order to make all the shame go away.  Reality eventually set in a few years later, and she divorced him, but I kept the name.

So that’s why I have a Polish last name, but not much Polish heritage.  I did some cursory research just before writing this post and discovered:

• Bio-dad’s father was from France, his mother from Illinois (though had a French last name, so once I can dig further I suspect French origin there).
• Mom’s great-great-grandfather on her dad’s side was from Germany, his wife from France.
• Mom’s mother’s family is a bit more of a mystery, but from what she’s been able to determine, there is some Polish on that side.  (Side note: There’s also a lot of mental instability on that side.)

Ultimately it turns out that while I have a Polish last name, I’m primarily French and German with only a little Polish mixed in.  For funsies, I’ve downloaded a genealogy application and will make a cursory effort to discover my full heritage.  Mostly out of curiosity as the idea of “family” is a relatively foreign concept to me.

I’ve toyed with the idea of changing my name if for any other reason as to not have such a misleading last name.  I like “Dexter Donnie Darko” or, since I really like the nickname “Z”, maybe “Dexter Darko Zee” so I can officially be “Z”!

Eh, at the end of the day it’s just my title, not who I am.

So, just call me “Z”.